THINGS I KNOW THAT I DIDN'T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in
Chinese restaurants.
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
6. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
7. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
8. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
9. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
10. WASP's leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.
11. Always whisper the names of diseases.
12. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
13. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of
the street parking is suspended.
14. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
15. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford
it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
SIGNS ON A SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BOARD
1. Under same management for over 5763 years.
2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
3. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
4. Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
JEWISH COMMENTS
1. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They
sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
2. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white
bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
3. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?," the
flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices?," Moshe
asked. "Yes, or no," she replied.
4. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the
local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter,
are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a nice living...."
5. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper
from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "MUMZER." At the next
Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who
have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I
received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and forgot to write a
letter.
6. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in
the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The
second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy." The third
takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we
weren't going to talk about our grandchildren."
7. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish
women and asks, "Is anything all right?"
Bill,
We came out of the LA entertainment industry... so "priceless" is a term we apply to this piece with a certain understanding and appreciation. I laughed out loud. Thanks for this one. And again, thanks for taking your time to comment on the advertising piece we just did. It's most appreciated.
Although I'm a goy (Gentile boy), I've been associated closely associated with Jews for so many years that I sometimes feel like their culture is mine.
I'm glad you enjoyed these things, too, Gary.
This one is my very favorite: "Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting."
I like it too.
Bill
That was hilarious! Thank you for posting.
Miss Lori
If you check in again, leave me your email address. A friend sent me a rabbi's rational for why Viagra is kosher. There are too many Hebrew and Yiddish words in it for me to post here. It's not the least bit off color.
I'll send it to you and anyone else, for that matter, that would like it. It's a riot.
GOD Blesses!
Billycherry